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Saturday, April 3, 2010

Forgetfull Lucy...

Through all this going on with our little girl...there have been moments that almost stood still...moments that I don't want to forget...because they meant something to me...

~The moment I looked up after hearing the fasted heatbeat imaginable, and seeing the look of concern on my doctors face...that look I will never forget, nor the feeling in my gut that something...just wasn't right...

~Since Parker, I have been very worried about having another c-section, because I had such a bad recovery and was hospitalized twice after he was born. When they told me this time I was having one...I wasn't even worried about that. I was almost numb. I really didn't have a whole lot of fear, just numbness. Everyone rushed around, and next thing I knew, I was in the operating room getting my spinal. The anesthesiologist doing the procedure had a reassuring voice, and talked to me the whole time. Once I was numb...physically, they had me laying on the table and I remember just feeling vulnerable. I really hadn't cried, or freaked out, or anything...I just lay there in utter shock. He stayed with me and was talking to me about different things, trying to distract me, I can remember nodding blankly, and then he asked me..."do you have a name picked out for her?"

For some reason it was this point that I lost it. It was real. I just layed there with tears streaming down my face. The next thing I knew, there was a tissue silently wiping each one of my tears. It was the most compassionate thing I have ever experienced. It was as if Heavenly Father was saying to me "I am here." I have always known that He watches over us, but in that moment, I felt Him there. All because a perfect stranger wiped my tears...

~The first time I held my sweet precious daughter in my arms, and her little heart crashed in my arms.  They took my baby from me...and began treating her.  I will never forget what it looked like when they gave her the medication to restart her little heart....the shudder of her little body...the small helpless whimper that came from my suffering baby....

~The "Girls Night In"...my sisters brought Twilight to the hospital, and treats, and we had a girls movie night.  I had all my sisters in one room with me, and they will never know how much I needed that distraction...even if the movie did take five hours to complete!!

~The night I was alone at my daughters bedside.  Her little body shaking from the oscillator.  She held my hand.  I was exhausted, and had to finally pry myself away from her.  I told her I loved her, and she sqeezed my finger three times...as if to say...I LOVE YOU...it sent tears running down my face...

~All the visitors...you can't imagine how lonely it gets here...but one time in particular stands out.  The time I came to my room and there were two girls from my ward sitting in my room waiting patiently for me to get back from the NICU.  They brought goodies for me, and stayed for over two hours, talking and laughing...it was solace to my heart.  They also brought with them polish, and painted my toes.  It was such a selfless service that was so touching to me.  The love that people have shown and offered has been so overwhelming to me...

~Brian gave me a Willow Tree figurine "Angel of Mine".  It is a mother holding her baby.  It was so thoughtful and really sweet!  I loved it!! Then looking at it again later...I realized it couldn't have depicted little Romy Lin better.  With her picc line, she couldn't have any clothing on her one arm, so it was always sticking out.  On this figurine...one of the baby's arms is sticking out naked...just as Romy's did.  Now I sit in my little hospital room, and look at that figurine constantly thinking of my baby, just wondering when I will get to take her home with me...

~My brother.  He has been a huge support to me.  Sharing his experiences with his own son, who didn't make it after being in the NICU for a month and a half, taking me to breakfast, calling me, giving Romy a little crib friend, a buffalo beanie baby named "Roam"...and so, so much more.  I will never forget the new bond that we share...

~The sweat pouring from the Respiratory Therapist's face as he extubated our little girl.  To see such dedication and focus, in a tense moment was amazing...

~The first time I saw my baby.  She was always there, somewhere, but the day she actually "came to life"...it was almost as if you could see her little spirit entering her body saying, "Now, I am here..."

~Luguya - the nurse that got me through the hardest times.  So much compasion, reassurance, so much love. It was almost like having my mom there with me...I needed her

~Barb - the nurse that I connected with the most...AND the one that knew how important having a cute little bow in my daughter's hair every day was... ;)  

This is going to have to be a "never ending" post.  There are so many moments that I am sure I have forgotten.  So many people that have made such an impact in our lives these last few weeks...And so many experiences I have yet to encounter...I may have to continually update this post, so that I "never forget"...

14 comments :

Karine said...

Your post was so beautiful! It touched me and tears fell from my cheek as I read what you have gone thru! Your all still in our prayers! Let us know if there is anything we can do to help. I have wanted to come see you but my kids all have had something going on sick wise, one still with a cough. I felt it would be best to wait so I didn't add to the problems, its safer that way, but know we wanted to come and are anxious to see you both at church and HOME!!!
Your doing great and are so strong!
hugs!

A.Lee said...

I loved reading about those moments. The stranger wiping your tears brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could have done more than pray for you guys. I really hope this next week shows great improvement. You are awesome! I can't imagine this kind of worry and stress. {{loves}}

Rose said...

Thank you for sharing. I think we all have been concerned about how you are holding up through all this, and to hear a little more about your personal thoughts and feelings was very touching. I had tears running down my face, reading this. Even though I feel so bad your family has to go through this, I know that there's always something to be learned and to grow from. You have an amazing attitude about the whole thing, you're staying positive...I don't know how many people would be as strong as you have been through all this. You are an inspiration.

Jed & Brenda said...

Just thought you should know you are in our thoughts and prayers. You are just amazing and so strong. I know your family will be as it should be and that it is all in Heavenly Fathers plan. What a sweet blessing to have some much compassion shown your way. Romy Lin is amazing, what a sweet sweet spirit! Lots of love and prayers sent your way!!

Kristina P. said...

OH, I had no idea this was all going on!! I am sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way.

The Yearsley's said...

What a touching post! Brought tears to my eyes...especially the part where the stranger wiped away your tears...WOW! There are some amazing people out there! I am soooo amazed and impressed with how strong you have been through all this and that you have been able to stay so positive! As hard as these times may be, at least in the end you can say you came out a stronger person. I am so glad so many people have been taking such good care of you and your family. I really wish there were something I could do. Just know that ya'll are in our prayers continually! I hope this next week will be a better one and that ya'll can come home! We miss you!

Sassypants Wifey said...

We are still thinking of you. I hope each day brings strength and encouragement. Bless your whole family.

mitzi said...

Tamra--
I haven't been on your site for awhile--I am so sorry all of this is happening! Romy is beautiful--I will keep you in my prayers.
Mitzi

The Cole Family said...

So many thoughts and prayers are being said for your family. You guys are all loved and looked after. You are stronger then what you think you are. And if you need a laugh call me i can summon my eagle powers!

Laura said...

This was beautiful. Thanks for sharing your moments and letting me peek into your heart.

Love you!!!

The Crew said...

Tamra,
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sad to hear you are going through such a terribly hard time. Wow. Your list of precious moments shows how impressive you are. You are strong! I hope so much that your sweet Romy is well enough to go home with you soon. I know this is extreme on the scale of difficulty for you and your husband and children. I hope life returns to a wonderful normal state of togetherness soon and that you feel an ease of your heavy load and worries! I am so thankful for technology and skilled doctors helping you. I know the Lord is near you!
Much love, Amu Olsen
P.S. Chad and I hope to come see you soon!

Alli Blue said...

This was so thoughtful to read. I just sat here and teared up. I just want you to know that I have thought of you a THOUSAND times. My mom is old friends with Rod and Pat. (Judy Smith) I have told her about you. She asks about you evey time I see her.
You will make it through this. I just know it.
You are in my personal prayers. Sending love your way!

Em said...

you're amazing.
i love all of the real feelings and emotions you're sharing.
it just feels good to read about someone going through something that is strengthening them.
it gives me the strength to get through the things that are difficult for me.

Stamps Family said...

Dear Tamra-- We just want you to know that even though we aren't near by, we think of you everyday. We have been praying and fasting for little Romy and the rest of your family. We wish we were dlose enough to do something more... We know the Lord can give you all the strength you need to get through this. I love your positive perspective and learn so much just from hearing how you cope. I know there are better times ahead for all of you!!!